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*growls*
16:12 Aug 29 2007
Times Read: 1,173


Two faced bullshit pisses me off.

life
08:02 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 1,189


Life is about the little things right?



The small things that make you happy... the little things that matter.





I wonder what matters.





Perhaps it's time to obtain inner peace. No matter the cost.

glutton for punishment
07:58 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 1,190


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I must be out of my damn mind. I actually sat down and did the math. When I start making money... I'll be making at the most $4.16 an hour, more than likely it will be considerably less than that.



According to my research people in my field (in almost the same situation) make almost double that. And are usually provided with a vehicle to do their job. =/



Yeah I'm stupid. This is what I get for not looking before I leap.

Bodies are stupid, and not just the dead ones.
07:11 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 1,191

I just don't get it. I was laying in bed writhing in pain just a few hours ago, and now I feel about 90% better. How I can go from feeling like walking dead to being ok is frigging beyond me.



I popped two muscle relaxers today and had no relief from the pain. Which is just odd, because taking one usually works.



The soma doesn't really bother me much it's the pain I can't stand. I've taken 2 somas at a time for back pain before and been able to function normally, and even drive.



External physical pain can be shrugged off like any other mere hinderance in life. It's the internal physical pain that sucks. It's like I lose the ability to think clearly. I don't know what I want, or what I should do. All I know is that it hurts and it won't stop. All I want to do is sleep. And that's what I did for a better part of the day today.



I hope the pain doesn't come back tomorrow after the meds wear off (or in the middle of the night for that matter =/ ). Who knows maybe it has passed. Hopefully it has. I hate feeling like shit. Not that everyone else doesn't as well.



We shall see what tomorrow brings.

reality blows
07:55 Aug 15 2007
Times Read: 1,205


I'd like to say that I want to go home...















the reality of it is, I'd like nothing more than to just disappear.

triviality of the wanton heart
20:13 Aug 10 2007
Times Read: 1,226


i find myself missing the trivial things in life these days. The simple pleasures i counted on aren't going to cut it. i'm an admitted fool for thinking they would.





The closeness i was once surrounded by is just no longer there. Too often i sit in the middle pulled by two different lights, one of gold and one of crimson. One of calm and one of chaos. i yearn to surround myself in golden light, but the gravity of the crimson keeps me just out of reach. Admittedly i will never truly know this calm, and for that i also refuse to give into the chaos.





i have constructed my own prison, wiliingly built this cage, and handed away the keys to my freedom. i despise being trapped, but i refuse to leave my cage. i could possibly be given more leeway but i refrain from asking. The keys to my happiness lie not in my hands, and i can't bring myself to ask for them.





Consideration is something i try to give everyone. i feel that everyone should as well. Which is why i refuse to ask for some myself. If i remain unimportant enough to consider, i must be (ultimately) in your world... not important. Having to ask to be considered is just wrong, and I refuse to do it.



Until recently every week i used to hand over approximately 40-46% of my life to the work environment. i spent so much of my time working that i began to wonder what it was all for. i didn't have any childern to care for, i didn't have any overly expensive habits or hobbies, i didn't need to financially support any of my family, so why the hell did i do it? The realization has recently sunk in. i did it so i would have freedom. so i could have my own house to live in, so i could have my own car to drive, so i wouldnt spend every month wondering if my car payment was going to be made, or whether my insurance would be cancelled. so i could occasionally have a day off here and there, so whenever there was something i wanted to go buy, i could buy it. So if there was something new i wanted to try or go do i could do it. i did it all for myself, because i could. i almost never had the time to go anywhere or do anything outside of what was necessary (grocery shopping etc.) but the money and ability was there when i wanted it to be.



i have absolutely no money to my name. i haven't bothered doing the math to see how much of my life i dedicate to my "job" these days, because i fear it will only depress me further if i do. i miss being able to take a sick day here and there, or even getting an actual day off for that matter. i miss harassing my employees. i miss being able to go see a movie when it comes out. i miss being able to go buy a book i'd like to read. i miss being able to tell people that i'm self sufficient. i miss not worrying about wether or not next week i'll have a job. i miss making the people i care about proud of me. On an unrelated note. i miss crawling in a bed that's not empty. i miss going out. i miss feeling special.



i miss too many things. i've already admitted to way too much. i fear that i will never have anything that i miss ever again.

everything will persih
04:51 Aug 10 2007
Times Read: 1,234


The theory of existance without some form of acknowledgement is a futile one.

02:33 Aug 10 2007
Times Read: 1,237

Sometimes I think that I should become more selfish.



Or at least that I should grow a set of balls and a voice.



Maybe even have an opinion when it comes to things I would like to have.



I have no spine when it comes to wanting things for myself.



I smile politely and say "no thanks", or "I'm fine".



Perhaps one day I will grow out of this behavior.











Really.... there's nothing I want. Not at all. Why would I want anything?

the helping hand and the tongue that stings...
00:52 Aug 09 2007
Times Read: 1,246

I was browsing through my journal of the past few months when I came across an unfriendly reminder.



One of the people I'm closest to these days referred to me as a whore about three months ago. They've helped me come so far, more than they'll ever know. They are very dear to me... which is probably why even today those words sting just the same.



Even things that aren't meant to be hurtful sometimes come across that way. Perhaps there is some truth in their words. Why else would they be spoken?

jebus christus
08:37 Aug 08 2007
Times Read: 1,252

I have what is probably one of the worst cases of self loathing. There's not a goddamn thing that I can say I like about myself.



Perhaps one day this will change, but I doubt it. I hate myself so much I think I'll never allow myself to find peace or be happy. I'll have to elaborate on that in my next post for it is late, and I'll most likely be awoken early.





On a completely random note I found a spiral notebook full of poetry that I wrote, and that I haven't seen in years. A decade to be exact. Perhaps I will be ballsey enough to post that writing in here. It's not very good, but it did help me vent at the time, and that's what was important. It's mostly silly angsty crap from what was then a chronically depressed teenager. Heh, guess not much has changed.. I'm just ten years older is all.